If you wanna make love in the club to a thug with his nike's on while screaming cat clinic

So for the 4th of July weeked, I decided to take Nate up on his offer of hosting all of us at his apartment for what was sure to be a complete shitshow. The crew ended up being Me, Nate, Ducky, Kyle, Rachel and Liz.

As I was trying to navigate my way to Nate's apartment Thursday afternoon, I was practically rammed off the road by a lunatic and forced down some exit to a crack alley. Having no concept of where anything is in St. Louis, I called Nate and managed to dodge certain death. I arrived only to find out that the apartment was empty and no one could let me in. Ducky was visiting his lesbian sister, more to come on that, and Nate was leaving work to go to a doctor's appointment for an AIDS test.

A plan was hatched for me to rendezvous with Nate at the doctor's and grab his set of keys. 20 minutes later I was safely inside Nate's apartment, patiently waiting Ducky's return. We hatched a plan to go buy some booze and try to be as drunk as possible before Nate and Rachel returned home. Off to the liqour store for a 6-pack of GREASEDICK and a 15 pack of Colt 45. An improtu "Say Anything" drinking game occured, and since I had not eaten anything all day I was becoming quite drunk at an alarming rate.

At this point, I mentioned to Ducky that I had my complete Legends of the Hidden Temple, costume with me. We decided it would be best to surprise Nate and Rachel by having them enter only to see a silver snake downing colt 45s as fast as he could. Rachel returned home first, startled by my amazing costume. She seemed alarmed at my rate of drinking combined with lack of food and made me microwave taquitos to help the situation.

A few beers and a shot of ALBORG AAKVADAIT later, we headed out to a pub for bangers and mash before picking up liz and kyle from the airport. I cursed loudly throughout the meal much to the dismay of other patrons.

We arrived home with some time to kill before hitting the airport and it was suggested that Ducky and Rachel do shots of the egg yolk liqour Nate had purchased. Rachel choked down half of hers and I attempted to finish it. As soon as I started to swallow a large lump hit my throat and it was all over. Bangers and mash plus some taquitos were savagely launched into the gargbage can.


Nate and Rachel headed off to the airport, leaving Ducky and I with some time on our hands. We decided to hit up a bar. Using Ducky's fancy phone we located a couple bars that seemed nearby and headed on our way. It was quite an odd journey. We started walking through stab-town which then instantly gave way to these nice big old suburban type homes. We finally arrived at this little brew pub and took a seat at the end of the bar. Next to Ducky were two cute late 20 something girls. Next to me was a group of 30's age white trash girls.

One of whom instantly took a shining to me and struck up a conversation. She recommended a good beer to drink and I made the order. At this point I started to realize that I was already really drunk. Having thrown up any sustenance I had consumed all day, the liquor was getting the best of me. I nursed my beer and attempted to not fall off my stool. I chatted with the group of white trash while ducky talked to the cute girls. The main topic of conversation was how many 21 year old people had kids. The white trash group guessed about 75% of people that were 21 had kids, and I guessed it was more like 45%. At this point the lady who was all about me got up to go to the bathroom. As she returned she walked right up next to my stool and put her tongue as far down my ear as she possibly could. I wasn't sure what the fuck to do.

Luckily we got a call, and Nate et all had returned from the airport and were outside in the car. I bid adieu to my new lady friend, much to her dismay, and we made for the door. As we crammed into nate's car and headed home I repeatedly told the story of my ear tonguing, which raised liz's ire.

We returned to Nate's, I slamed some popcorn and jitb down my gullet (THX TO NATE FOR CORRECTION) and we began making plans. we headed to #1 most beautiful bar for some karaoke. Someone made a grave error, and signed me, kyle and ducky up for the theme song to Friends. Before our song had even begun, I let the crowd know that this "is gonna be some good fucking shit." Turns out you can't cuss on mic and I was reprimanded. The song went horribly.

Kyle just kept bring back bud lime's to the table which no one but him enjoyed. Finally it was turn for Liz and Rachel's song. They had chosen ZOMBIE by the Cranberries. We gathered around the edge of the stage to take pictures and cheer them on. Halfway through the song they beckoned me onto the stage, obviously due to the skill of my earlier performance. So there I was with Liz and Rachel, drunkenly attempting to sing zombie in front of a large crowd. At one point both microphones were passed to me so that I could solo a part of the song. As soon as the mics touched my glorious fingers they were rendered useless by the godawful whore who ran the karaoke. My earlier outburts had been enough to turn her against me.

A Review of NBA Live 98 for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System

So yesterday I was dicking around with some ROMS I had, mainly spending hours playing NHL 95 and Mutant League Hockey, when I stumbled upon this gem of a game. Possibly the best NBA game made in all of the 90's: NBA LIVE 98. Now this game came out at a crucial time just as the N64 was introduced, meaning that for one of these 16 bit games to compete with the new fancy graphics of the n64 it had to be COMPLETELY AWESOME and this game has done it.

Does the idea of brutalizing your Karl Malone, Stockton and Jeff Hornysecks over and over appeal to you?
Do you believe that Jordan is the Jesus of basketball?
Does the thought of Dennis Rodman doing a 360 tomahawk jam give you a raging boner?

If you answered yes to any of those, then this game is right up your alley. Even if you answered an emphatic no to all of those questions, this game is still for you shithead.

Lets get down to some of the great gameplay aspects of this gem.

#1 Michael Jordan (AKA PLAYER 99) is not allowed to miss, no matter where on the court he shoots from. This game came out during the period in the 90's when jordan was being a cock and wasn't letting games use his name and likeness. So instead of a number 23 on the Bulls, every game just substituted a Player 99, sometimes also called ROSTER PLAYER. This Player 99 somehow had the exact same skillset as Jordan would have, what a wild coincidence.

Player 99 for the Bulls in NBA Live 98 is no exception. He runs the court about twice as fast as most other players and is instantly double teamed the moment he gets across half court. Unfortunately for would-be defenders, there is pretty much nothing that can stop 99 from scoring. A 360 fade away 3 from just inside half court: MONEY ALL DAY. I tried a number of incredibly complex shots and no matter what it always went in. Jordan went 4 for 4 on full court shots. The only shot of his that didn't go in was a weak ass layup attempt that was blocked by none other than GREG OSTERTAG. Greg, I sincerely hope your huge old white ass googles your own name and finds this buddy.

This brings me to another issue. It isn't just Player 99 who is amazing at shooting. From what I have figured out from my in depth research, all of two 10 minute exhibition games, every player in the game except Ostertag and Luc Longley will shoot about 80-90% on average. Even though the only two teams I have seen are the Jazz and Bulls, I still hold this to be gospel truth. I was seeing shitheads like Ron Harper draining half court shots over and over. Don't even get me started on Hornyseck's amazing 95% shooting performance in game 1.

Now my favorite part of this game is the defensive system, which I refer to as BRUTALITY BALL. Just like NBA JAM, the only way to steal the ball from your opponent is to push them in the chest as hard as you can over and over. Eventually the ball will fly into your players hands. At this point however you are mashing the INJURE button like a retard slams the mountain dew button on a vending machine over and over even when it keeps saying SOLD OUT. This very same button is used to shoot when on offense. So you are standing there happily slamming Karl Malone's head into the scorer's table when all of a sudden your player grabs the ball from his now comatose hands and whips it at the hoop in a desperate shot attempt, much like the Shotput event in the Special Olympics. In most games this would be incredibly frustrating, but in this game your desperate full court launch shot has about a 50/50 shot of going in so it's tolerable.

This brings me along to another quirk of this game. Every once in a while a rebound or loose ball will become possessed by some higher power and launch itself with great velocity to the other end of the court for no apparent reason. Often times upon retrieving the ball, your player will instantly throw a rocket pass WAAAAY back to the other end of the court, often to no one in particular. This leaves the player with an awesome effect of having the camera shooting back and forth all over the court fast as hell leaving you with no idea what is going on, sort of like how you would feel if you had been playing and had Dennis Rodman punching you in the face and shoving you all game.

The Dunking system in the game is a bit odd. So far only two people have pulled off dunks. The Mailman Karl "Tried to get a cheap championship" Malone and Dennis "Rodman's World Tour" Rodman. Karl went for a simple reverse jam, while Rodman somehow pulled off a 360 tomahawk jam over 2 defenders. Player 99 only does fancy layups and fingerrolls, but somehow Rodman is a dunk master. Do not question this logic.

BARKLEY UPDATE:

I played another game, this time as Houston so that I could see how they treated Barkley. Oh lord did they ever do the Round Mound of Rebound up good. This game was clearly made after Barkley threw a fan through a plate glass window, because he has ungodly rage. Whereas a normal player must shove someone about 5 times to get the ball, 1 shove by barkley is enough to send even stout opponents to the floor. Not only is C-Bark the king of Brutality, he is also the king of Slamma-Jamma. Barkley showed off an array of inspiring dunks. Windmill Jams, Spread Eagle Jams, Reverses and a few others. I was shitting my pants with joy each time C-Bark viciously rammed the ball through the hoop. And then the most amazing thing happened. I tried to pass to a wide open C-Bark and HE PULLED OFF A FUCKING OLLEY-OOP. Thats right, C-Bark took flight and slammed home an olley-oop. Then 3 posessions later, he fucking did it again. However they didn't do Barkley justice when it comes to his outside shooting. He shot an anemic 1-4 for full court shots. They also gave him a full head of hair and a gross handlebar moustache.


OVERALL I GIVE THIS GAME A 5 OUT OF 5!! MUST PLAY AS BARKLEY1!!!