So this classic story started at Cruzen's one random night. Me, Leali, O'Malley, Alex, The Mess, Dirt, and Molly were all in attendance for this most glorious of events.
The night started normal with all of us downing pitcher after pitcher of shitty american lager. At some point the plan became to go back to Dirt's. I imagine this was because Dirt had just gotten off work and we were going to meet him and molly. Regardless, off to Dirt's we went.
At this point everyone was fairly drunk. After sitting around at Dirt's, it became evident we had made a huge mistake. So we all piled back into 2 cars and headed towards Cruzen's.
After arriving again, we took back our position at a long table near the front of the bar. Jason proceeded to order Cement Mixer shots for the group and do one of the only 2 or 3 toasts he knows.
This prompted me to bring up tequila shots. As no one was too thrilled with the prospect, I focused on Leali who was already quite drunk.
"HEY LEALI LETS DO TEQUILA SHOTS!"
"ARE YOU PAYING??"
"YEAH IF YOU BUY ME A FUCKING JACK AND COKE I WILL"
"ok i am a big faggot*" *estimated response.
So I oredered the Tequila shots. During the gap between ordering them and getting them, Leali got antsy. He needed a cigarette, and he needed it bad. He asked Jason for one of his awful menthols but was told that there were none left.
Thinking that Jason was a liar, Leali insisted that he come around the table, then proceeded to frisk him. Finding no cigarettes he was discouraged.
I found an entertaining solution. To the small table to our right was a pair of mid 30-s looking ladies smoking cigarettes.
The wheels of my mind slowly ground and turn until the most perfect idea emerged.
"HEY LEALI GO ASK THOSE GIRLS FOR A SMOKE"
"WHATOK"
So it happened. He stumbled over to their table and laid down who knows what kind of rap. But sure enough a couple minutes later he returned with a cigarette and a smile.
"HEY ASSHOLE YOU OWE ME A JACK AND COKE"
Leali then orders our drinks. As we wait I begin convincing him that these two girls totally want to suck his cock.
By the time the drinks arrive he is ready to roll. He chugs his jack and coke in the time it takes me to take a sip or two.
"yo dude should I go over there?"
"YES. FOR SURE!"
So he heads over to the table again. Leans on it and begins to chat up tha ladiezzzz. A couple minutes go by and the ladies are laughing and it seems like this kid might actually be about to pull out a gross townie.
Everyone at the table is trying to watch without being obvious. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS KID GONNA DO is the question burning itself into everyones mind.
Soon the question is answered.
Both girls jump up from their stools surprised. This ruckus catches my eye and I look over to see leali comfortably leaning against the table with his dick out, pissing all over the floor.
The girls approach our table and one exclaims "YOU NEED TO GET YOUR FRIEND UNDER CONTROL"
As I laughed, the other piped up "THIS ISNT FUCKING FUNNY"
"Ok well it kinda is.."
The girls left in disgust, their legs dripping fresh urine.
Leali finished pissing then ambled back over to the table. After questioning he refused to admit he pissed over there.
Soon enough the bartender is inspecting the scene of the crime with a flashlight and he finds the tell tale evidence. PISS ALL OVER THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He approaches our table and asks Leali if he pissed on the floor. His response "GET ME ANOTHER BEER"
The bartender asks again, and is told "GET ME ANOTHER BEEER"
At this point he addresses the table and informs us that if we don't "get this kid the fuck out of here" that he is gonna call the cops.
Me and Alex being the gentleman we are escort Leali out, as he protests that he did nothing wrong and that the bartender is just an asshole.
As we drive home in Alex's car, Leali and I share the back seat. The drunken idiot passes out less than half way, and I take to slapping him in the face and saying HEY PISSER; for medical reasons so as to assess his situation.
As we pull into his neighborhood he begins to let out zombie like groans.
"OH GOD HES GONNA PUKE ALEX"
Unfortunately Alex has a 2-door car and Leali was situated behind the driver. Alex pulls over, jumps out, lowers the seat and pulls Leali out of the car.
He burps.
"I'm okaaaaaay."
So we pile back in and head to his house. We pull up and let him out. He wobbles towards the garage door with a noticeably unsteady gait. He reaches for the keypad and clearly has trouble with the cover.
After several tries, he manages to enter the right code and ABRACAFUCKINGDABRA the garage door opens unveiling an even more sinistar challenge.
Leali slowly inches himself towards the door before realizing that it is locked. After an awkward search, the keys are found.
I must note that watching Leali try to unlock his door was much like watching a kid with down syndrome try to assemble the Silver Monkey in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.
After an eternity of him flailing and banging on the door, pity kicked in and Alex was kind enough to get out and unlock the door for him.
At this point, I was driven home to sweet dreams of Leali pissing all over townies.
Labels: hilarious, leali, SCOOTERS, townies, urine
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