Why don't you INSPECTOR my balls Arlen?

Arlen Specter is a huge douche. This fucking cocksucker senator now wants Congress to waste time and taxpayer money looking into the whole SpyGate thing from the NFL because he thinks it wasn't handled correctly. Guess what? IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. It's the fucking NFL not the FBI. Quit grandstanding on TV and trying to act like a hotshot. You sir, are a turd.

Aren't there more important things that Congress can focus on besides if the Pats videotaped some fucking signals. The NFL doesn't even seem to give half a shit so why the fuck is it worthy of being put in front of Congress. Oh wait, it's so Arlen's dumb ass can get some pub from being on TV all the fucking time.

FUCK YOU ARLEN SPECTER WHY DON'T YOU IN"SPECTER" MY BALLS WITH YOUR TONGUE

Note to the Gas Station

I will never buy gas at your store as long as you continue to blast ranchero music from your outdoor speaker system.

Only 2 years left to shake my ass at Jack in the Box

This weekend, I went down to St. Louis to see Nate and have a little fun. As is my custom, I was greeted with a 40, which Nate had driven all over town to find. After exchanging pleasantries we left to get some dinner and hit the liquor store. We ended up eating at this little mexican place over near WashU. The 26oz margaritas marked the start of our evening. I had considered ordering the 46 oz size, but I made the responsible decision.

After our meal, it was off to DIRT CHEAP. Turns out the dirt cheap near nate's is just a tobacco place, so we grabbed a 2 for 1 box of BLACK MAX GRAPE BLUNTS and went to Schnucks for liquor. While trying to make up our minds on what to get, I noticed a bottle of scotch named OLD SMUGGLER. After discussing how great of a name it was we decided that we had to buy it. Armed with lemoncello, vodka and old smuggler we went back to the car.

At this point I had been singing some of the popular rap songs I am forced to listen to at work. Nate hadn't heard any of them so we put on some hip hop radio station in the hopes that they would come on. I was also dancing wildly, much to the delight of a fat black lady driving a van.

We were amazed at how we couldn't understand anything the DJ was saying, and then after focusing we began to hear the most amazing thing. The DJ was letting everyone know what type of show it was and what kind of people would enjoy it.

"IF YOU MISS (this might have been MIX) KOOL AID FLAVORS! THAT RED AND THAT GREEN! THIS SHOWS FOR YOU"

"IF YOU GOT 2 BALLED UP FACE TOWELS IN YO SHOWA THIS YO SHOW"

"IF YOU BLOW IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM"
"IF YOU BLOW IN FRONT OF YO KIDS"
"IF YOU EVER HAD SEX WHILE YO KIDS WAS IN THE SAME ROOM"

and on and on. Me and nate knew that this was our type of show.

Back to his place to make Neapolitan shooters, which were impressive but so fucking rich and full of heavy cream that drinking them wasn't as enjoyable as looking at them. Matt called and he and Sloanboan headed over.

We grabbed a cab and headed over to the Tin Can. This place was actually a lot nicer than I had pictured it in my head. The beer selection was exquisite. 24 oz red dog. schlitz. pbr. This was my type of place.

The timeline for the night gets a bit hazy here. At one point we did bumps off the toilet seat. Rachel, Greg and Liz showed up for a bit. We did bumps off the table. We drank a lot and then got a cab and went home. The cab ride home was notable because of the cabbie telling us a story about getting blown by a 62 year old lady and then being paid $150.

Back at Nate's we dicked around for a bit and then Matt and Sloan went home. Nate was then sober enough to drive us down to Nellys star on the boardwalk so I could shit on it. So there I was at 3 am bare assed and squating over his star. Quickly pulling up my pants and acting casual when cars passed. I was not able to do the deed however and the evening drew to a close.

Saturday morning started with a trip to the fabulous Dennys. This meal was awful. Hashbrowns cold and undercooked. Bacon rubbery. Sausages like turds. Fucking dennys. We drove back to nate's to await word from Rachel and Co.

At this point we started watching awful episodes of True Life, intermixed with NED'S DECLASSIFIED SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE. Ned gets mad pussy. Nothing washes down handfuls of pills like Capri Sun. The negro over acts. Those were the main things of note.

Eventually we received word that Rachel and Greg were ready to go shopping for garms. We got to Rachels condo and she gave nate a free haircut with some help from Greg. Then off to Wal*Mart for supplies to make costumes for the Nickelodeon themed party that night.

I had been experiencing this weird phenomenon all day. When I woke up I didn't feel very hung over, but as morning mixed into afternoon I was slowly feeling worse and worse. The Denny's mixed with the late night trip to Jack in the Box was wrecking me. We wandered around WalMart like tards slowly collecting our garms. As we shopped, my bowels began to shift and I knew I had something foul brewing.

I was forced to use the WalMart shitters for fear of crapping myself in public. All in all I ended up buying a pair of cargo shorts, a bike helmet, metallic spray paint, fingerless bike gloves and a pair of those awful water shoes. I was to be a silver snake, ala LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE.

We returned to Rachels condo and work started in earnest. Nate went to town on a large sheet of cardboard, transforming it into a wearable placard of Olmec's face complete with moveable jaw. Rachel struggled mightily with her concept of being the agro crag. The idea was solid, her throwing glitter, NUCLEAR FLYING CRYSTALS, and styrofoam chunks in people's faces and screaming AGRO CRAG. She lacked the same zeal as Nate and ran into problem after problem.

For my part, all I needed to do was spray paint my new bike helmet and I was good to go. As dinner time neared me and nate set out to get my silver snakes shirt from his place, get some food and grab some more beer.

As we were making final deliberations in the beer section of Schnucks, something amazing happened. I grabbed my 6 pack and turned to see that out of nowhere this fairly well dressed black guy had appeared. Out of nowhere he began angrily ranting. "NO FORNICATION! NO PORNOGRAPHY! NO DRINKING! NO DRUGS! NO HATING BLACK PEOPLE! You know you all gonna be gone in 2 years anyway! You know you gonna be gone in 2 years don't you?" I informed him that I hadn't been aware that white people would be wiped out in the next 2 years. As we left his company he said "yeah you better enjoy that BEEEEER cause you only got 2 years!"

Simply amazing.

Back to Rachel's to don our costumes and then off to Liz's place. Me and nate sat awkwardly in a room alone wondering where everyone else had gone. The pregaming began in earnest and Greg was setting quite the pace. Big boy after big boy had him well on his way. We headed down to the basement, which was to be the site of the party itself. After a few minutes, Greg grabbed an empty pie tin laying out as a prop and then procured whipped cream seemingly out of thin air.

The pie was filled and after a short deliberation period, Greg slammed it into Nate's face leaving him shocked and trying desperately to wipe his face. We headed back up to Liz's and Greg prepared a "super big boy" for me. Greg was in quite the state. Pie'ing people at random, including me, slam dancing his way through the crowd, and wearing whipped cream on his face like some tribal war paint.

We danced and frolicked for a while and then headed outside to the bonfire they had set up. We hung around out there for a bit and chatted. I played with the golf club used to tend the logs and managed to burn my leg. Some punk rock chick told me she loved my costume and requested to take a picture. Nate and I headed to the alley to take a leak and I accidentally stepped on a garbage bag which released a horrid liquid onto my feet. The water shoes did nothing to prevent this awful mixture from coating my feet.

As things wound down someone brought up the idea of going to Jack in the Box. Since nate was still sober, he was pressed into service as a driver. The 7 of us piled into Liz's station wagon with me occupying the trunk. We arrived and entered the drive through queue. I mentioned that I had to piss and was released from the trunk to drain my bulging bladder. As I stood behind a small power station and pissed, two girls from the car in line behind us got out. "Are you pissing?" one asked. "Yeah." I replied. "We gotta pee too" the other chirped. "Well find somewhere to piss and do it then." After this brief exchange my bladder was empty and I re-entered the trunk. The girls and I began exchanging gestures of one sort or another, resulting in me doing a booty dance for them to see.

The response was a middle finger. So I booty danced harder and faster. At this point we finally reached the window and the black guy working it was surprised to see me shaking my ass furiously in the trunk while wearing a bike helmet. I began to explain to him how the girls in the car behind us desperately wanted to fuck me. I don't know what all I said, but apparently it was pretty awesome.

After eating my 4 tacos, OH GOD WHY, we somehow ended up back at Rachel's condo and promptly passed out.

Today we awoke, gathered our stuff and headed to Diner's Delight, a hellhole of a restaurant in Nate's neighborhood that he had been terrified of. The place was just all sorts of odd. The mac and cheese was good, the corn was not.

Back at Nate's, I showered and began to gather myself for the trip home. After an episode or two of Rob and Big, I took to the road and headed home.

In the following days, I will probably come back and flesh out certain parts of the weekend more, but for now this is what you get.

Ed Begley Jr. hosts AMERICAS NEXT TOP CELEBRITY GARBAGE MAN

This has been brewing inside me for a while now, so I might as well "spray it all over the internet like diarrhea."

I guess I bring this on myself by occasionally seeing what is on vh1, but I am amazed at how absolutely pitiful most of their shows are now. VH1 used to show behind the music and at least attempt to cover music, but it has now gone the way of the awful reality show.

Vh1 is actually pushing the envelope for shitty reality tv further than it ever should have gone. I'll start by adressing a show they have called "VIVA HOLLYWOOD." In this awful show, wanna be latino actors and actresses compete in challenges in an attempt to win something to do with being on a spanish speaking soap opera, or as they like to call them "telenovella" An awful term, seeing as how it attempts to compare shitty soap operas to a novel or novella. I could understand the appeal of this show if it was on a spanish language based channel or even a channel that had a popular soap opera. I just don't understand how this benefits VH1 at all, normally they whore the winners of their shows out and use their new popularity for something but what the fuck is vh1 going to do with a wanna be soap opera whore, especially one who can hardly even speak fucking english. The highlight of this show, is one guy who is a total cock and in the five minutes I watched just kept talking about how he was going to take everyone down one by one.

Who the fuck are they targeting with this show? I somehow doubt a shitload of hispanic moms are gonna randomly flip by vh1 in the afternoon and say HOLY SHIT A REALITY SHOW CATERED TOWARDS MY DEMOGRAPHIC THAT IS ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED CHANNEL I BETTER START WATCHING THIS EVERY WEEK. Worst case scenario, it takes normal vh1 viewers and gets them interested in soap operas so they start watching those instead of vh1.

The next show on my list is I KNOW MY KID IS A STAR hosted by none other than Danny Bonaduce. This show is basically just horrible stage mothers committing child abuse on film in the hopes of winning some sort of contract that their kid probably really isn't that interested in. First off, I love the fact that Danny Bonaduce is the host because he is a living monument to how fucked you become when you are a child star. It is a not-so-subtle way of rubbing the parents face in the fact that they are awful and destroying any chance of their kids living a happy life. With each elimination, Danny gives a knowing smile to the camera, as if to say the longer these kids stay here the more they enter my twisted realm. The saddest thing is that Bonaduce is actually fairly successful compared to most former child star fuckups, even though his success is directly related to him being a child star fuck up. These parents have to stand there as Danny Bonaduce, a man who skate boarded to a liquor store and then chugged vodka and cranberry juice in the parking lot, decides which one of their children is lucky enough to follow in his esteemed footsteps.

I would fucking love it if vh1 just turned over the master tapes to child services after the show wraps and these awful parents lose custody and lose their share of the money that their "star child" will make. Dragging your kid onto a reality tv show hosted by an alcoholic steroid freak and then verbally abusing them has to break at least one or two laws.

The next abortion of a reality show is Celebracadabra. A reality tv show ALA DANCING WITH THE STARS, SKATING WITH THE STARS, SINGING WITH THE STARS, GARDENING WITH THE STARS, and SHOPLIFTING WITH THE STARS. 7 "celebrities" and I use that term loosely, team up with 7 magicians to see GASP who can become the best celeb magician. You know how fucking shitty this show is when you look at the fabulous celebs they pulled in. The only two I actually recognize are Hal Sparks and Carnie Wilson, OH WAIT they also got Kid from KID'N'PLAY. A real haul of A-listers you got there. Hal Sparks doesn't do shit but vh1's best week ever. Carnie Wilson is the fat chick from wilson phillips who lost weight on vh1s fat celebrities lose weight show. And Kid, well I don't know what back alley they found his ass in.

Do they really think people will invest an hour of their time just for the mediocre payoff of Hal Sparks failing to pull a rabbit out of his hat and Kid smoking a cigarette instead of putting it through a coin?

I really want to meet the bigwigs at vh1 who green light these shows. I bet I could down a fifth of vodka go into a meeting shit on the table and then propose that they do a reality show where celebrities battle to become a janitor at a public highschool and they would buy it. "OH YES!! We could do a challenge where they avoid getting caught fucking the girl in the janitor closet!" "YES! And another to see who can make the most money sellin weed to the kids during lunch." "Don't forget a challenge where they have to avoid getting killed in a school shooting!!" Fucking brilliant.

I have a million equally brilliant shows in my head, I just need to get hired at vh1 and I can go to town. Just wait until you see Ed Begley Jr hosting a reality show where spoiled celebs have to become PARK RANGERS! Paris Hilton in the woods OMG! This would be a big hit since it can be all about GOING GREEN.

It just boggles my mind that people are willing to put up money to back such awful shows. What happened to, you know, writing scripts that were entertaining and hiring actors to actually act instead of compete in challenges?