The Aisle of Shame

Recently I was sitting in the little waiting area of the nearby Wallgreens waiting to get my prescription for bumps re-filled and noticed something amazing. Whoever did the floorplan for the store is a fucking genius. They took all of the most embarrassing products, put them together, and then put that area in what is probably the most watched part of the store.

My description of the "Aisle of Shame," as I have dubbed it, starts with the prominent endcaps. One of the endcaps is a fabulous display of adult diapers and the many different sizes, shapes and fits that they come in. "Hey granny worried about shitting your pants at dinner but are worried about bulky diapers, NO PROBLEM TRY THE SLIM FIT." They have separate styles for men and women, even though by the time you are using adult diapers your dick is probably completely shriveled, they still have a nice little crotch satchel*. "Hey gramps wanna pop a viagra but you're worried about your boner dislodging the adhesive fasteners resulting in a large diaper full of shit and piss slowly snaking its way through your pants? Not a problem, these have extra room so you can enjoy your rare boners without worry. Feels good man."

The other endcap consists of shit related products. Randomly spraying shit out of your ass like a fire hose, then buy this all fucking natural Metamucil fiber powder guaranteed to make you shit rock hard turds. This very same display offers products for people who can't shit no matter how hard they try. I just imagine two random shoppers meeting in front of the display, one reaching for diarrhea pills and the other clutching an economy-size container of fiber, each one jealous of the others situation.

This area would be shameful enough on its own, but OH NO GOOD FRIENDS, thats just the beginning.

The actual aisle itself is where it really gets awesome. The aisle begins with a veritable cornucopia of douches, sanitary wipes and any other imaginable product used to clean out the ole baby maker. And some of them are even scented, which is perplexing because how many people are really gonna be jamming their nose in there as far as they can to get a wiff.

Right after the douches etc. you come upon the yeast infection treatment depot. This area, I would imagine, would apply more to women who failed to notice the previously mentioned feminine hygiene section. This placement must be perfect for douche sales. While you are standing there looking at what cream you are gonna rub all over your gash to get it to stop discharging cottage cheese, you can see the vast array of products that might have helped to prevent this, and it just might inspire some ladies to change their ways and begin cleaning that festering hole.

Next up in the Aisle of Shame is the pregnancy tests. Nothing classier than the generic walgreens brand test to see if you are playing host to a demon seed. The other item of note mixed in here is the $89 paternity test. Don't ask me how it works or what kind of half-assed lab you send it to, but it can't be that great. What happened to the good ole days of going on Maury or Montel and having a "WHO MY BABBY DADDY" show.

This area is right next to the condoms. If you were too stupid to figure out where the condoms were before and now you wanna see if you got knocked up, well now you know. Much like the douche/yeast cream area this has a prevention/treatment motif.

Now buying any of those products could be considered embarrassing, but the beauty of this aisle is the intermixing of target consumers. You've got an old man buying diapers and fiber because he keeps shitting himself, mixed with some old lady who hasn't shit in years, a 16 year old girl buying a pregnancy test, a middle aged woman shopping for douches and an early-20s guy buying some condoms. Each person cloaked in shame and trying desperately to find an appropriate product and get the fuck away from that aisle before anyone they know sees them.

It makes me want to install some sort of spycam that just monitors the aisle of shame 24/7. Perhaps an investment in an x10 (X10 GOES ANYWHERE) is in order.

*(SIDENOTE: During the writing of this, for some reason word kept trying to get me to use synonyms for satchel like "diddie" and "grub-bag" I think John Mellencamp should get into the adult diaper promoting biz. Imagine him singing "Here's a little diddie (pointz to dilznick in diaper) about Jack and Diane. I think grub-bag is hilariously fitting though and I should probably start using that term as much as possible.)