My experience at the West Portal Tavern

During my stay in San Francisco I dropped by the West Portal Tavern on several occasions. Upon first arriving, it was determined that that was to be my first taste of the nightlife. As we began walking there, I was told "You're gonna fucking love it man, its a dive and the bartender talks like a fucking pirate." This did seem like something I would enjoy.

Upon arriving and broaching the large heavy wood door, I took stock of the place. Round wooden bar in front surrounded by stools, darts and some extra seating towards the pissers in the back. As we entered, a group of middle aged women cheered "wooo the boys are here!" And Don greeted us with a "Hows it going guys?"

He did indeed sound similar to a pirate. I was pleased. The bar only had about 4 beers on tap, one of which happened to be Stella to my delight. What I was to drink this night however wasn't up to me. Don had recently turned the crew onto a whiskey drink called an "Old Fashioned" which included whisking sugar around in the shotglass.

The drink was serviceable, something I would potentially order some other time based purely on the novelty. The bar was full of mainly middle aged working class type folks enjoying a friday night. We continued drinking Old Fashioneds until it was almost close. Don was incredibly hospitable and was a charismatic motherfucker. He told us about a St. Pats thing they were doing, complete with free food and the prospect of REAL soda bread.

Overall Don was an awesome dude, but I want to focus more on two fellas who helped pass an evening in the Portal with Will and I.

One was Jolly Beard PHD in Beards and Politics, his cohort was ANGRY IRISH GUY. I had already heard about AIG and how he hated spreet and always called him gay. Seemed like I might get along with this type of guy, and you can't really blame him for thinking spreets gay, its a common mistake it seems.

Me and Will sat at the bar, with me sitting next to JB and AIG sitting on JB's other side. Eventually something sparked a conversation between me and JB about Obama and the whole deal with his insane preacher's comments. After talking with him for a couple minutes and having a pretty enjoyable, yet leisurely political repartee, we were suddenly interrupted by AIG.

"QUIT TALKING ABOUT THAT SHIT IS SO FUUCKIN BORING YA FUCKING IDIOTS."

JB chuckled and we continued our conversation. AIG then began to attempt to enlist Will's aide.

"HEY WHY THEY TALKING BOUT SUCH STUPID SHIT WHO GIVES A FUCK YA KNOW"

Will sort of agreed with him, and soon AIG had gotten up and moved to sit next to Will. From this point on there were two parallel discussions. Me and JB talking about politics, and AIG ranting about how boring we were and how much of a cocksucker I was.

Every once in a while the two conversations would cross paths just quickly enough for AIG to inform me that I loved sucking cock or getting fucked in the ass.

Apparently he doesn't just hate spreet and call spreet a homo. I was shocked. Normally he is the type of guy who loves me, like the original Crazy Guy. But somehow, he fucking hated me. After having time to digest these events, I have formulated a hypothesis. AIG is either gay, or incredibly hostile towards anyone he considers some form of threat. He might view spreet as a threat because he dresses well, is young, and could easily fuck most of the hags there. I would be a threat because he recognizes me as a younger, sexier and more charismatic version of himself.

His way of dealing with this is to claim we both suck cock. I know I don't. Jury is still out on Spreet.

One other thing of mention about Don's place, is the pissers. The urinals are filled with ice which gives the user the fabulous feeling of melting the ice with your piss as you unburden your strained bladder.

a Turd in your Reuben

I've got a few little topics to cover here, so away we go.

Jagoffs Who Come in At Close

It seems like every time I have to work a closing shift at the deli some assholes come in during the last minute or so we are open and order some food. This is the most infuriating thing on earth, because when you are working in the kitchen all you want to do is leave as soon as we close and go home. We already have everything cleaned and mopped and ready to go. Then some shithead trounces in an orders 8 sandwiches to go. Now we have 15 minutes worth of sandwich making to do plus cleaning up after it. These people however are gleeful. "OH HELL YEAH THEY ARENT CLOSED YET IM GONNA GET MY SANDWHICH!!!!" Yeah you are buddy, plus some of the meat that was on the floor all day.

You should never piss off someone who is about to give you some sort of service. You wouldn't tell a surgeon right before surgery that you've been fucking his 16 year old daughter, because you don't want to die. Making sandwiches and doing surgery may not be exactly the same, but the same concept applies. Although someone did almost die at the deli the other day because they couldn't read.

If you have a horrific food allergy of some sort why the fuck wouldn't you take the time to read what comes on your sandwhich, and oh I don't know, make sure it doesn't contain something that will cause your sudden death. If you can't take the time to read the 6 ingredients on the sandwhich and determine if any of them are deadly to you, then I feel no remorse for your death because you are a waste of oxygen.

I almost got killed at Little Caesars

So I drive past the same LC every day on my way to work and there is always the same guy outside jumping up and down and franticly waving his "HOT N READY" sign. This guy really gets into it. I mean he is really working this fucking sign. So I make it a point to slow down, lock eyes with him and then smile and give him the finger. I would guess that this is not the highlight of his day, yet it brings a smile to my face on my way to work.

Everything was fine until I went to get my haircut the other day. I forgot that the hair cuttery is directly next to the LC in this small retail park. As I'm slowing down to turn in, I see this guy again and I can tell that he recognizes me. Now I'm a bit worried as psychos are drawn to me normally and I have been just abusing this fucker for weeks. I got out of the car and he just turned and stared me down as I went inside. On my way out as I was leaving I got in my car and started to leave. I slowed down, waved to him and smiled, then busted out the finger.

An Interaction I observed

So I was at the local Kroger at around 10 pm central standard time. I was loading my werewolf killer*. I head towards the checkout and lo and behold, there is only one lane open even though multiple employees were standing around. So now I'm stuck in this 15 person line just to buy a couple goddamn beers. So I'm trying to patiently wait in line and fighting the urge to just start drinking the beers while I wait.

A couple people behind me in line is a group of 3 people. An incredibly gay man in girl jeans and a tight t-shirt with the sleeves cut off that shows his midriff. THIS DUDE LOVES COCK. He is with 2 gross fat late 20's bitchs all decked out in club gear. They are waiting in line and buying some booze too. The gay man was purchasing some cheap vodka so I had to give him props. The 2 gross chicks were just miserable and hurt my soul. So then someone else comes in line behind them. A middle aged woman and her daughter. The mom is decked out in a camo shirt and sweatpants and the daughter is wearing a tie die shirt and sweats. They just oozed white trash trailer park. These two groups seemed fairly opposite to me.

BUT the WTM (WHITE TRASH MOM) started up a conversation. "OMG I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT YOU WIN THE PRIZE FOR TONIGHT!" This directed at the gay man. He thanks her. first off whats the prize and what are the criteria. She then begins complimenting the gross women on their outfits as well but insists that "HE IS DEFINITELY THE PRIZE WINNER" Then after a bit more outfit complimenting, the daughter pipes up and says "MOM IS THAT GUY GAY?" The mom looks at the guy, and he says "Yeah sweetie, I'm gay." Then the child says "I knew he was gay mom, he looks like uncle Paul." HEY UNCLE PAUL IF YOU READIN THIS EVERYONE KNOWS YOU GAY DUDE.


*THIS MEANS BUYING A 6 PACK OF COORS LIGHT THE SILVER BULLET. SILVER BULLETS KILL WEREWOLVES IF YOU HAVENT FIGURED IT OUT YET.

FUCKING STOP THIS MADNESS

It feels like every time I turn on the TV recently I am bombarded with a commercial for the return of LOST and I have a message for anyone who watches LOST.

FUCKING STOP.

The appeal of this show boggles my fucking mind. This promo in particular fills me with ire for 2 reasons. These two reasons are also my two main reasons for hating this godawful show.

REASON NUMERO UNO

That awful fat fucker. The promo has an ultra close up of his ugly mug saying "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE." I hope at least that fucker dies, and not from a bullet or a monster but due to complications from diabetes or maybe sleep apnea. I have hated this cocksucker since the show first came out and I saw him in commercials, but I figured "Hey there is no way the writers will keep this fat sack on the shit for more than half a season because seriously who the fuck wants to watch a fat man waddle around while more attractive cast members die off?" BUT NO THE FAT FUCK REMAINS.

Let me start by saying that I don't think this shitbird would even manage to survive a plane crash. Suppose for arguments sake that his tremendous bulk isn't instantly destroyed in the crash and he now has to remove himself from the smoke and flame filled cabin which is now littered with corpses and debris. Think about this. The jerkoff can hardly even fit in an airline seat and can't bring the tray table down without impaling his generous girth. It would take him 10 minutes even with the aide of a stewardess to extricate himself from the chair normally, so how the fuck is he gonna manage to get up and out of the plane when its on fucking fire and filled with a choking cloud of smoke?

Suppose the god's shine on him and he gets out of the plane without burning to death, he is now stranded on an island that seems quite intent on murdering anyone on it. Of all the goddamn obstacles these people face how has he survived. He is so slow moving that a fucking dingo could kill him by running up and nipping at his ankles until it severed his Achilles tendon and then feast on his corpse for YEARS. Also how the fuck does he stay so goddamn plump when he is "LOST" on a "deserted" island. It's not like there is a fucking OLD COUNTRY BUFFET there that he can go to.

I understand that its pretty damn simple to remain fat when you live in society and are able to eat 1lb Hungry Man Meatloaf Dinners for every meal of the day. *The prospect of this man eating a hungry man dinner evokes the image of him smiling while pieces of brownie mixed with corn dot his beard. Anyone who has eaten a hungry man knows the plight of retrieving your meal from the microwave only to discover that once again the molten brownie is covered in corn pieces. The only thing about this mental image that doesn't fill me with rage is the idea that rather than it being brownie and corn in his beard it is pieces of my shit that he has been forced to eat the day after I consume a large portion of corn.*

So now that this shithead is on the island, and isolated from buffets and frozen dinners, what does he eat to keep him so rotund? He doesn't have the skill to hunt down an animal and actually get his own meat so unless there is some generous person on the island saying "SURE FATBOY EAT 5 TIMES MORE THAN NECESSARY, FOOD ISN'T SCARCE, WE CAN ALWAYS GO TO SAFEWAY" where does this food come from???


Also the fucker has a beard that is always the same length. I don't suppose he found an electric beard trimmer and a convenient outlet on the island. This may seem like a trivial point, but these are the type of things that get stuck in my brain and drive me insane, much like never mentioning Jack Bauer taking a shit on 24.


REASON NUMBER "Ducky Deuce Dub" <---- THIS IS A REFERENCE TO ROBERT NEWTON
The plot idea of this show started off simple enough, some people stranded, but it has somehow careened, like someone ridin jeffry, into a mass of insane shit. TIME TRAVEL. GHOSTS. DEATH MISTS. CONSPIRACIES. HUMANS HUNTING HUMANS ETC I have a theory that the writers of the show aren't really the ones coming up with these ideas. One of the writers stumbled upon a bunch of "Survivor" fan-fic written by some demon possesed jag-bag in northern Michigan and they are just wholesale ripping it off. I mean jesus fucking christ what kind of real writer would continue to come up with more and more insane shit. OH WAIT THE SHOW WOULD JUST SUCK AFTER 1 SEASON IF THEY JUST KEPT BARELY SCRAPING BY ON THIS GODDAMN ISLAND. BETTER THROW IN A WEREWOLF.

Someone at the network should have seen this fairly obvious problem before greenlighting the show. There is only so much people can do on an island before it gets boring, why the fuck do you think survivor has competitions and all that other stupid shit, its because watching a bunch of people sit around and eat bugs and wipe their ass with leaves really isn't very entertaining.

If you like this show, FUCK YOU.
If you don't like this entry, please leave a comment with your address so I can mail you a "Blake Stubbs Signature Series PipeBomb" <--- THIS IS A REFERENCE TO A PLOT TO MURDER BLAKE STUBBS. BLAKE I HOPE YOU GOOGLE YOUR NAME AND FIND THIS SHIT YOU CRETIN
If you are KYLE WILD FUCK YOU FOR FINDING A TYPO

wills thoughts on lindawg

"linda frightened me the first time i met her, because it was a random asian girl in kyle and their kitchen who knew my name and i didnt recognize, And although I knew linda was coming to visit I thought she was white because at some point allen said something allong the lines of 'although linda isnt from the US she is pretty darn white'

My visit to hell

Today was my day off and I was content to sleep in. Around noon I was woken and informed that I had a 2 pm appointment at the Peoria County Health Center for a shot. So I got dressed and headed over, knowing in advance that I would be forced to sit in a waiting room with the scum of the earth.

I arrived, checked in and took my seat in the waiting area full of childrens toys. I scanned my surroundings and instantly one person stuck out. A mid 30-s black lady, with a nice beer gut and a shirt that said "I <3 MY CRAZY FRIENDS"(henceforth referred to as BIOTCH) She was sitting there with a Gucci handbag. Soon thereafter a young very preggo black girl comes in with a different Gucci bag.

As soon as she sits, Biotch notices her handbag and mauls her with questions. "WHERE YOU GET THAT BAG" "THAT BAG NEW" "DAMN GIRL HOW MUCH THAT BAG BE"

She immediately got on her cell phone. During this conversation she loudly noted that now her Section 8 vouchers were going to kick in, her water was about to be shut off, and that she needed to borrow "BOUT FITTY" to buy the new gucci bag she had just seen.

This complete and utter idiocy brought my ire up to new levels. When someone is more concerned with handbags rather than water, they are a fucking idiot.

People who receive government support to pay their bills, only because they are so financially inept are basically the worst human beings I can imagine. My theory is that people so fucking bad with their money should only continue to get government support if they agree to be sterilized so they can't spawn anymore hatchlings.

The other depressing thing was the 2 cute young white girls with multiple kids there. I saw this one young broad and though damn wouldn't mind breakin off a piece. Then I saw her 3 half mexican kids.

END NOTE:
On the pamphlet given to me by the doctor, it was stated that the main people who should get the hep A vaccine are "MEN WHO HAVE SEX WITH MEN"and "People who often use street drugs." I obviously fit both of these characteristics.

ridin jeffry

EVEN WHEN I RIDE DIRTY WIT JEFFRY NO BITCH ASS COP NAMED BOLTON CAN DROP A NICKEL ON ME

Exercepts from my journalist's notepad

"Colorfully mad, LOTS of HICK family, likes fishing and LOVES cheap beer"

"fail to file? Buy a fucking horse"

"system makes it ez to be corrupt az fuck"

"freeriders be fuckin shit up dogg"

"cum for cum" - not sure about this one cant read it very well

"powerboat accident guy, handicapped vans lol"

"poor people need recourse, drunk niglet"

*A picture of a stick tranny soon to be scanned*

"NO NIGS"

*Image of stick woman with huge hair dong* "217-390=3491"

"NO RECENT RAP SONGS THANK GOD"

"JESSE LOVES THE FUCKING RANGERS"

"Kyle keeps touching my sack :("

"jesse checks hockey scores while awful people sing"

"Kyle - SUCKS"

"Summer of 2 chix 69'n"

"YEAH KATHYS A WHORE. SHORT SHORTS - DECENT ASS"

"2 FREE BEERS = INTEGRITY"

"KYLE WILD + MY DICK = YOU BLOW ME AND I OWE U ONE"

*a sexually suggestive hangman puzzle about kyles mom*

"WILD NURZE WILL SLUTVIZE"

"I WANT TO DIE. KYLE WANTS IT IN THE BUTT :)"

BEST PAGE *TO BE SCANNED*

"mm patty I don't care where you from but you got a nice rack" -this my friends is professionalism and how i try not to stare at a cute latino girls rack.

INSIDE BACK COVER : "SUCK MY BALLS"