FUCKING STOP THIS MADNESS

It feels like every time I turn on the TV recently I am bombarded with a commercial for the return of LOST and I have a message for anyone who watches LOST.

FUCKING STOP.

The appeal of this show boggles my fucking mind. This promo in particular fills me with ire for 2 reasons. These two reasons are also my two main reasons for hating this godawful show.

REASON NUMERO UNO

That awful fat fucker. The promo has an ultra close up of his ugly mug saying "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE." I hope at least that fucker dies, and not from a bullet or a monster but due to complications from diabetes or maybe sleep apnea. I have hated this cocksucker since the show first came out and I saw him in commercials, but I figured "Hey there is no way the writers will keep this fat sack on the shit for more than half a season because seriously who the fuck wants to watch a fat man waddle around while more attractive cast members die off?" BUT NO THE FAT FUCK REMAINS.

Let me start by saying that I don't think this shitbird would even manage to survive a plane crash. Suppose for arguments sake that his tremendous bulk isn't instantly destroyed in the crash and he now has to remove himself from the smoke and flame filled cabin which is now littered with corpses and debris. Think about this. The jerkoff can hardly even fit in an airline seat and can't bring the tray table down without impaling his generous girth. It would take him 10 minutes even with the aide of a stewardess to extricate himself from the chair normally, so how the fuck is he gonna manage to get up and out of the plane when its on fucking fire and filled with a choking cloud of smoke?

Suppose the god's shine on him and he gets out of the plane without burning to death, he is now stranded on an island that seems quite intent on murdering anyone on it. Of all the goddamn obstacles these people face how has he survived. He is so slow moving that a fucking dingo could kill him by running up and nipping at his ankles until it severed his Achilles tendon and then feast on his corpse for YEARS. Also how the fuck does he stay so goddamn plump when he is "LOST" on a "deserted" island. It's not like there is a fucking OLD COUNTRY BUFFET there that he can go to.

I understand that its pretty damn simple to remain fat when you live in society and are able to eat 1lb Hungry Man Meatloaf Dinners for every meal of the day. *The prospect of this man eating a hungry man dinner evokes the image of him smiling while pieces of brownie mixed with corn dot his beard. Anyone who has eaten a hungry man knows the plight of retrieving your meal from the microwave only to discover that once again the molten brownie is covered in corn pieces. The only thing about this mental image that doesn't fill me with rage is the idea that rather than it being brownie and corn in his beard it is pieces of my shit that he has been forced to eat the day after I consume a large portion of corn.*

So now that this shithead is on the island, and isolated from buffets and frozen dinners, what does he eat to keep him so rotund? He doesn't have the skill to hunt down an animal and actually get his own meat so unless there is some generous person on the island saying "SURE FATBOY EAT 5 TIMES MORE THAN NECESSARY, FOOD ISN'T SCARCE, WE CAN ALWAYS GO TO SAFEWAY" where does this food come from???


Also the fucker has a beard that is always the same length. I don't suppose he found an electric beard trimmer and a convenient outlet on the island. This may seem like a trivial point, but these are the type of things that get stuck in my brain and drive me insane, much like never mentioning Jack Bauer taking a shit on 24.


REASON NUMBER "Ducky Deuce Dub" <---- THIS IS A REFERENCE TO ROBERT NEWTON
The plot idea of this show started off simple enough, some people stranded, but it has somehow careened, like someone ridin jeffry, into a mass of insane shit. TIME TRAVEL. GHOSTS. DEATH MISTS. CONSPIRACIES. HUMANS HUNTING HUMANS ETC I have a theory that the writers of the show aren't really the ones coming up with these ideas. One of the writers stumbled upon a bunch of "Survivor" fan-fic written by some demon possesed jag-bag in northern Michigan and they are just wholesale ripping it off. I mean jesus fucking christ what kind of real writer would continue to come up with more and more insane shit. OH WAIT THE SHOW WOULD JUST SUCK AFTER 1 SEASON IF THEY JUST KEPT BARELY SCRAPING BY ON THIS GODDAMN ISLAND. BETTER THROW IN A WEREWOLF.

Someone at the network should have seen this fairly obvious problem before greenlighting the show. There is only so much people can do on an island before it gets boring, why the fuck do you think survivor has competitions and all that other stupid shit, its because watching a bunch of people sit around and eat bugs and wipe their ass with leaves really isn't very entertaining.

If you like this show, FUCK YOU.
If you don't like this entry, please leave a comment with your address so I can mail you a "Blake Stubbs Signature Series PipeBomb" <--- THIS IS A REFERENCE TO A PLOT TO MURDER BLAKE STUBBS. BLAKE I HOPE YOU GOOGLE YOUR NAME AND FIND THIS SHIT YOU CRETIN
If you are KYLE WILD FUCK YOU FOR FINDING A TYPO