Old Home Depot Stories pt 1.

LEFT HANDED HAMMER MAN

This fine gentleman came in towards the end of one of my closing shifts, and even though I don't work in hardware he somehow sought me out. When I asked him what he needed he replied "Yeah man I need a left handed hammer and probably some left handed screwdrivers too because im left handed you knooww?" At first I was a bit confused and asked him if he was sure thats what he was looking for, and he then told me that yes thats what he wanted. So I took him to hardware where the hammers are and explained to him that there is no such thing as a right or left handed hammer. He tried to tell me that I was wrong, so I picked up a hammer in my right hand and said "ok this is a right handed hammer." Then I held it in my left hand and said "Now it is a left handed hammer. See it works both ways." This seemed to blow his fragile little mind. He then inquired about our left handed screwdrivers. Once again he wouldn't believe me when I told him they were all the same. So again I had to pick it up with both hands to show this inbred cocksucker that it didnt matter. Before he left, he looked at me with a very serious look and said "Man, technology is so crazy these days. They never would have had something like this 100 years ago." I thought about explaining to him that hammers and screwdrivers had been the same for hundreds of years, but I didn't want to have to explain anything else to him.

Poop Guy
He smelled exactly like a turd. It was awful.

CornDog Man

I got a local call on the lumber phone and answered it. Some hick sounding guy on the other end wanted to know some prices for different types of plywood. After I listed off the prices, he began to ask my expert opinion. The conversation went something like this.

Hick:Yaaa what kind of this should I use to make a box?
Me: Well what type of box?
Hick: Well I got this problem you know? My wife always eats all the fucking corndogs when I'm at work. So i come home and all the fucking corndogs are gone. So I'm thinking bout building a box for them, youknow so she cant eat them."
Me: So you want to build a box for the corndogs?
Hick: YEAAAH man, that bitch always fucking eats them all even though I told her not too. so what should I use?
Me: uhhh some 1/4 inch OSB should be fine for it.
Hick: yeah ok alright, man if this box don't work i'm gonna have to build another box to put my fuckin wife in while im working. haw hawww
Me:ok....
Hick: alriteee then man you been a big help lemme tell you somethin tho hoss
Me:ok what?
Hick: Don't ever get fucking married man, I'm tellin ya.

BIGGEST PRICK ON EARTH.

So one day I am helping this guy get some 12 foot 4x6 posts down from the rack. These motherfuckers are big and weigh like 150 pounds each easily. So we pull one out and put it on the cart. I'm on one end of the posts, he is on the other. We grab another one and pull it out, and he starts looking at it. Then out of nowhere he lets go of his end. Since I had no idea this was going to happen I wasn't prepared and my end flew out of my hands. So this big fucking log lands right on my foot. The guy just looks at me with this big smile and says "haha I bet that hurt a lot." So I told him that yes, it did fucking hurt a lot. He said well lets pull some more good ones out and I told him "fuck you,I'm on my break."