Private Entry for Allen Wittman only!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allen, Linda just told me that she made out with Shamefaced McPoop like 3.5 years ago. Linda also said she had a foot poop fetish and wants you to put poop marbles on her feet.

Home Depot Stories pt 2.

Roger J. Richards, Esquire, Purveyor of Fine and Imported Poops

One afternoon I took a break from work because I had to pee very bad, and had been forced to listen to this idiot lady ramble on forever while my bladder almost burst. As I begin to relieve myself at the Urinal, I hear a voice echo out of one of the stalls. WHAT THE HELL YA MEAN YA DIDNT GET THE SHIT NIGGA? This was surprising for a couple reasons. First who talks loudly on their phone while in a stall at a home depot bathroom? and secondly this was the only time I ever heard anyone say NIGGA in a bathroom. Quite a landmark in my life. So I was intrigued by this. A few seconds later, GOOOOODAAAMN NIGGA MAN WAT THE HELL YA THINKIN. I MEAN DAMN DAWG YOU DON FUCKED UP THA WHOLE SYSTEM YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET THAT SHIT GROOVING. Apparantly his DAWG didnt know. The answer was LIKE 2 FUKIN MONFSSS. after some more small talk the conversation came to an explosive conclusion with this fine jem. HOLD UP NIGGA IM SHITTIN AT HOME DEPOT LEMME HIT YA BACK IN A FEW. I thought it was odd that he talked to this fella for about 2 minutes before he realized that most people don't loudly talk on their cellphone in the home depot bathroom. At this point I am standing at the urinal in a state of shock, giggling to myself. I knew I had to wait to get a look at this upstanding business man. And lo, he appears like a vision before my eyes. The skinniest black guy I have ever seen, with a dewrag on his head for good measure.


HOW I CAUSED A CO-WORKER TO HAVE A STROKE

the lot attendants at home depot are the lowest employees. Their job is simply to load stuff into peoples trucks and to get the carts from the lot. For some reason, retired white guys LOVE this job. 2 of our 3 lot attendants were retired dudes, up until I blew one of the guy's mind and made him stroke out. A.J. was a "unique individual," he enjoyed ranting in the break room about people in corporate always stealing money and fucking over the common man. A.J. was nice, although just a little bit odd. Soon after starting my fabulous career at home depot, I noticed a pattern. The first time A.J. saw me after I clocked in, he would look at me with this odd grin and ask "So, you having fun yet?" So one day I decided that I would switch things up a bit. I was working a closing shift, so I came in 2 hours before A.J.'s shift ended. About 45 minutes before his shift ended, I sought him out and quickly asked "So, having fun yet?" before he could ask me. HE WAS STUNNED. His eyes held a look of absolute terror. SOMEONE HAD ASKED HIM HIS QUESTION! He stammered and then said something along the lines of "yeah I'm doing good." and walked away. After his shift ended, he went home and soon after had a stroke. I think this was my fault. I shouldn't have stolen the one joy in A.J's life that Home Depot Corporate hadn't already stripped from him. You live, you learn I suppose.

A startling discovery.

While going about my business one day, I was approached by a contractor looking fella, who asked me where our "powder activated" nailers were. I didn't know what that meant, but I figured they had to be by the other nailers. As I am taking him over there he explains to me that they are gunpowder nailers. They basically just shoot a nail instead of a bullet. Sure enough, we get over there and we have semi-automatic 22 caliber powder activated nail guns. These guns cost $199 and required no background check. I was pretty surprised that even a convicted felon could walk into any home depot, buy a 22 caliber semi automatic handgun that shoots nails, and then kill me in the parking lot. This reminded me exactly of this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gE-uY7P3pe4

Old Home Depot Stories pt 1.

LEFT HANDED HAMMER MAN

This fine gentleman came in towards the end of one of my closing shifts, and even though I don't work in hardware he somehow sought me out. When I asked him what he needed he replied "Yeah man I need a left handed hammer and probably some left handed screwdrivers too because im left handed you knooww?" At first I was a bit confused and asked him if he was sure thats what he was looking for, and he then told me that yes thats what he wanted. So I took him to hardware where the hammers are and explained to him that there is no such thing as a right or left handed hammer. He tried to tell me that I was wrong, so I picked up a hammer in my right hand and said "ok this is a right handed hammer." Then I held it in my left hand and said "Now it is a left handed hammer. See it works both ways." This seemed to blow his fragile little mind. He then inquired about our left handed screwdrivers. Once again he wouldn't believe me when I told him they were all the same. So again I had to pick it up with both hands to show this inbred cocksucker that it didnt matter. Before he left, he looked at me with a very serious look and said "Man, technology is so crazy these days. They never would have had something like this 100 years ago." I thought about explaining to him that hammers and screwdrivers had been the same for hundreds of years, but I didn't want to have to explain anything else to him.

Poop Guy
He smelled exactly like a turd. It was awful.

CornDog Man

I got a local call on the lumber phone and answered it. Some hick sounding guy on the other end wanted to know some prices for different types of plywood. After I listed off the prices, he began to ask my expert opinion. The conversation went something like this.

Hick:Yaaa what kind of this should I use to make a box?
Me: Well what type of box?
Hick: Well I got this problem you know? My wife always eats all the fucking corndogs when I'm at work. So i come home and all the fucking corndogs are gone. So I'm thinking bout building a box for them, youknow so she cant eat them."
Me: So you want to build a box for the corndogs?
Hick: YEAAAH man, that bitch always fucking eats them all even though I told her not too. so what should I use?
Me: uhhh some 1/4 inch OSB should be fine for it.
Hick: yeah ok alright, man if this box don't work i'm gonna have to build another box to put my fuckin wife in while im working. haw hawww
Me:ok....
Hick: alriteee then man you been a big help lemme tell you somethin tho hoss
Me:ok what?
Hick: Don't ever get fucking married man, I'm tellin ya.

BIGGEST PRICK ON EARTH.

So one day I am helping this guy get some 12 foot 4x6 posts down from the rack. These motherfuckers are big and weigh like 150 pounds each easily. So we pull one out and put it on the cart. I'm on one end of the posts, he is on the other. We grab another one and pull it out, and he starts looking at it. Then out of nowhere he lets go of his end. Since I had no idea this was going to happen I wasn't prepared and my end flew out of my hands. So this big fucking log lands right on my foot. The guy just looks at me with this big smile and says "haha I bet that hurt a lot." So I told him that yes, it did fucking hurt a lot. He said well lets pull some more good ones out and I told him "fuck you,I'm on my break."

So I almost paid $40 for a bag of dirt

{Scene: Outside Legends right after Bingo}
{Zoom in Tight on Me coming out the front doors looking sexy and very drunk}

Bingo was over and I was all by my lonesome since Shanks had left halfway through, presumably to go home and jerk off to shemale hoagi-instertion porn.

I deftly crossed the street dodging cars like a gymnast(y). As I crossed the street I was approached by a lean colored fella. He introed himself as Jerry and asked what I was up to.

I explain to my new amigo that I was planning on going home, smoking a fat bowl, and then going to bed. Jerry's eyes twinkled as I metioned smoking HERB. He said "yo man you looking to buy any dank tonight?"

As my supply had become dangerously low, and I was very drunk, I told Jerry that yes indeed I would be interested in buying some dank tonight. Jerry explained that for "bout fotty bucks" I could get an 8th of "this dank ass purple kush."

Drunk as I was, I decided this was a good business venture. Jerry followed me to the ATM outside Murphy's where I withdrew "BOUT FOTTY BUCKS." Jerry then intstructed me to follow him to where his homies were "sittin on bout a pound of dis kush."

This ended up being an apartment building about a block north of Legends. Jerry told me I had to wait outside, where it had begun to rain, while he went to get THEM DANK NUGZZZZZ.

As I waited in the rain, I began to wonder how stupid I really was. After a long wait Jerry returned with a small package of some sort in a wrapped up grocery bag.

This began a conversation that went in a sort of infinite loop.

LEAN NEGRO NAMED JERRY: Heres the weed, can I get that FOTTY BUCKS now?
Me: Uh, can I see the weed first?
LEAN NEGRO NAMED JERRY: Nah, man too many cops around man I can't show it to you here.
Me: Well where can you show it to me?
LEAN NEGRO NAMED JERRY: Nah man trust me its good, I aint rippin you off.
Me: I trust you man, I just want to see it.
LEAN NEGRO NAMED JERRY: Nah man can I get that FOTTY BUCKS NOW?

After about 10 minutes of this, I broke the loop by telling my new buddy Jerry that I was about to piss myself if I couldnt get to a bathroom. I suggested to Jerry that I go back into Legends and relieve myself.

I went in to Legends, walked over to Tony and Mel and quickly apprised them of the situation before heading to the pisser.

As I pissed all over the wall next to the urinal, I felt like I had escaped Jerry's wrath. As soon as I left the bathroom however I was greeted by Jerry's gaunt visage.

LEAN NEGRO NAMED JERRY: YO MAN I NEED THAT FOTTY NOW AND WHAT WAS YOU TELLIN THAT WHITE DUDE UP NEAR THE BAR

Again I requested to see the "DANK NUGZ OF DAT PURPLE KUSH" and was denied.

At this point I felt safe enough inside Legends to end this whole charade.

Me: Jerry, If I can't see the weed, I'm not gonna give you any money. Also that white guy at the bar I was talking to is a cop.

The prospect of Tony being a cop sent Jerry scurrying for the door. Using the $40 I had withdrawn and then not had stolen from me I felt like a rich man with a new lease on $40.

So I ordered 3 beers for myself.

After chugging my beers, I convinced Mel to drive me home so that I wouldn't be shanked by Jerry in the parking lot.

The only thing I wish is that I knew what that asshole had in the bag...

IM A BLACK MAN NOW

I went to Schnucks the other night so I could get my SLANT ON. I bought:
3 FROZEN PIZZAS
2 KIELBASA SAUSAGES
1 40 OUNCE BOTTLE OF OLDE ENGLISH 800 BRAND MALT LIQOUR
1 3 LITRE BOTTLE OF VESS "WHISTLE" ORANGE SODA
1 HANDLE OF ARISTOCRAT VODKA

As I'm checking out there is a regular lookin white dude scanning the stuff and this young thuggish lookin black guy with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth bagging. As the 40 comes down the line the black guy says "AHH YEAH A 40" then he sees the vess and vodka and says "OHHHH YEAH BOI THAT SCREW UP YOU DRINKIN THAT SCREW UP!!" (screw up is orange soda and vodka since it is like a screwdriver but you screw up and use orange soda instead of orange juice.)

Then he looks at me and with this serious tone says "Man you know you pretty black?"

I didnt really have a response for this. Then he says to the scanner guy "Yo this dude gotta be havin a chick over tonight!"

Then this conversation happens

THUGGISH RUGGISH BONE BONE BONE BONE: You havin a sista ova? a black gurll??
Me:no
THUGGISH RUGGISH BONE BONE BONE BONE: A mexican chick?
Me: no
THUGGISH RUGGISH BONE BONE BONE BONE: A MIXED GIRL???
Me: no
THUGGISH RUGGISH BONE BONE BONE BONE: A white girl?
Me: uh yeah sure
THUGGISH RUGGISH BONE BONE BONE BONE: ahhh oh man you givin this stuff to a white girl man you black

I just laughed, payed for my food and started to leave. Then thug says YO *POUNDS CHEST WITH FIST* POWER TO THE PEOPLE BROTHA!!

poop marble story

me: oh dude something amazing happened
jkylewild: poopsocked with zero spillage?
me: i was walking home from work
and i sneezed
and when i sneezed i pooped a bit
like this marble sized turd
and it was real cold so i kept walking home
and the turd hardened and froze
so i get home pull my pants down and it drops out
completely frozen and hard
it frostbit my anus though