Home Depot Stories pt 2.
Roger J. Richards, Esquire, Purveyor of Fine and Imported Poops
One afternoon I took a break from work because I had to pee very bad, and had been forced to listen to this idiot lady ramble on forever while my bladder almost burst. As I begin to relieve myself at the Urinal, I hear a voice echo out of one of the stalls. WHAT THE HELL YA MEAN YA DIDNT GET THE SHIT NIGGA? This was surprising for a couple reasons. First who talks loudly on their phone while in a stall at a home depot bathroom? and secondly this was the only time I ever heard anyone say NIGGA in a bathroom. Quite a landmark in my life. So I was intrigued by this. A few seconds later, GOOOOODAAAMN NIGGA MAN WAT THE HELL YA THINKIN. I MEAN DAMN DAWG YOU DON FUCKED UP THA WHOLE SYSTEM YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET THAT SHIT GROOVING. Apparantly his DAWG didnt know. The answer was LIKE 2 FUKIN MONFSSS. after some more small talk the conversation came to an explosive conclusion with this fine jem. HOLD UP NIGGA IM SHITTIN AT HOME DEPOT LEMME HIT YA BACK IN A FEW. I thought it was odd that he talked to this fella for about 2 minutes before he realized that most people don't loudly talk on their cellphone in the home depot bathroom. At this point I am standing at the urinal in a state of shock, giggling to myself. I knew I had to wait to get a look at this upstanding business man. And lo, he appears like a vision before my eyes. The skinniest black guy I have ever seen, with a dewrag on his head for good measure.
HOW I CAUSED A CO-WORKER TO HAVE A STROKE
the lot attendants at home depot are the lowest employees. Their job is simply to load stuff into peoples trucks and to get the carts from the lot. For some reason, retired white guys LOVE this job. 2 of our 3 lot attendants were retired dudes, up until I blew one of the guy's mind and made him stroke out. A.J. was a "unique individual," he enjoyed ranting in the break room about people in corporate always stealing money and fucking over the common man. A.J. was nice, although just a little bit odd. Soon after starting my fabulous career at home depot, I noticed a pattern. The first time A.J. saw me after I clocked in, he would look at me with this odd grin and ask "So, you having fun yet?" So one day I decided that I would switch things up a bit. I was working a closing shift, so I came in 2 hours before A.J.'s shift ended. About 45 minutes before his shift ended, I sought him out and quickly asked "So, having fun yet?" before he could ask me. HE WAS STUNNED. His eyes held a look of absolute terror. SOMEONE HAD ASKED HIM HIS QUESTION! He stammered and then said something along the lines of "yeah I'm doing good." and walked away. After his shift ended, he went home and soon after had a stroke. I think this was my fault. I shouldn't have stolen the one joy in A.J's life that Home Depot Corporate hadn't already stripped from him. You live, you learn I suppose.
A startling discovery.
While going about my business one day, I was approached by a contractor looking fella, who asked me where our "powder activated" nailers were. I didn't know what that meant, but I figured they had to be by the other nailers. As I am taking him over there he explains to me that they are gunpowder nailers. They basically just shoot a nail instead of a bullet. Sure enough, we get over there and we have semi-automatic 22 caliber powder activated nail guns. These guns cost $199 and required no background check. I was pretty surprised that even a convicted felon could walk into any home depot, buy a 22 caliber semi automatic handgun that shoots nails, and then kill me in the parking lot. This reminded me exactly of this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gE-uY7P3pe4
One afternoon I took a break from work because I had to pee very bad, and had been forced to listen to this idiot lady ramble on forever while my bladder almost burst. As I begin to relieve myself at the Urinal, I hear a voice echo out of one of the stalls. WHAT THE HELL YA MEAN YA DIDNT GET THE SHIT NIGGA? This was surprising for a couple reasons. First who talks loudly on their phone while in a stall at a home depot bathroom? and secondly this was the only time I ever heard anyone say NIGGA in a bathroom. Quite a landmark in my life. So I was intrigued by this. A few seconds later, GOOOOODAAAMN NIGGA MAN WAT THE HELL YA THINKIN. I MEAN DAMN DAWG YOU DON FUCKED UP THA WHOLE SYSTEM YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET THAT SHIT GROOVING. Apparantly his DAWG didnt know. The answer was LIKE 2 FUKIN MONFSSS. after some more small talk the conversation came to an explosive conclusion with this fine jem. HOLD UP NIGGA IM SHITTIN AT HOME DEPOT LEMME HIT YA BACK IN A FEW. I thought it was odd that he talked to this fella for about 2 minutes before he realized that most people don't loudly talk on their cellphone in the home depot bathroom. At this point I am standing at the urinal in a state of shock, giggling to myself. I knew I had to wait to get a look at this upstanding business man. And lo, he appears like a vision before my eyes. The skinniest black guy I have ever seen, with a dewrag on his head for good measure.
HOW I CAUSED A CO-WORKER TO HAVE A STROKE
the lot attendants at home depot are the lowest employees. Their job is simply to load stuff into peoples trucks and to get the carts from the lot. For some reason, retired white guys LOVE this job. 2 of our 3 lot attendants were retired dudes, up until I blew one of the guy's mind and made him stroke out. A.J. was a "unique individual," he enjoyed ranting in the break room about people in corporate always stealing money and fucking over the common man. A.J. was nice, although just a little bit odd. Soon after starting my fabulous career at home depot, I noticed a pattern. The first time A.J. saw me after I clocked in, he would look at me with this odd grin and ask "So, you having fun yet?" So one day I decided that I would switch things up a bit. I was working a closing shift, so I came in 2 hours before A.J.'s shift ended. About 45 minutes before his shift ended, I sought him out and quickly asked "So, having fun yet?" before he could ask me. HE WAS STUNNED. His eyes held a look of absolute terror. SOMEONE HAD ASKED HIM HIS QUESTION! He stammered and then said something along the lines of "yeah I'm doing good." and walked away. After his shift ended, he went home and soon after had a stroke. I think this was my fault. I shouldn't have stolen the one joy in A.J's life that Home Depot Corporate hadn't already stripped from him. You live, you learn I suppose.
A startling discovery.
While going about my business one day, I was approached by a contractor looking fella, who asked me where our "powder activated" nailers were. I didn't know what that meant, but I figured they had to be by the other nailers. As I am taking him over there he explains to me that they are gunpowder nailers. They basically just shoot a nail instead of a bullet. Sure enough, we get over there and we have semi-automatic 22 caliber powder activated nail guns. These guns cost $199 and required no background check. I was pretty surprised that even a convicted felon could walk into any home depot, buy a 22 caliber semi automatic handgun that shoots nails, and then kill me in the parking lot. This reminded me exactly of this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gE
posted by Smacko at
5:33 PM
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